Adventures in Bondassageland

Spanking 101 ~ The Basics

03/07/2012 11:42:00

Spanking 101 Part A: The Basics

pipedream

You don’t have to do it out loud, but admit it, spanking totally turns you on. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, erotic spanking has been around since the Victorian era, but even to this day it’s a fetish some people like to keep quiet about.

If you haven’t explored your secret spanking desires yet, or if you’ve dabbled and it was awkward, we hope this blog post with basic techniques for beginners will help make your experience more pleasant.

Quantity not Quality

Warm your lover’s bottom up slowly until the cheeks begin to flush, then pause and caress. Once your lover starts to feel soothed, repeat the process remembering it’s all about the quantity of slaps, not the excessive force. This “slap, stop, caress” method can be even more fun with the help of some feather ticklers or the strands on a cat-o-nine-tails whip.

Know Your Zones

Find out which areas of your lover’s bottom are more sensitive, so you know where you can spank a little harder once he or she is warmed up. Traditionally, the lower buttocks (the area where your tush turns into legs) are more sensitive on most people. So be gentler on those areas that are more sensitive & always ask for & listen to feedback from your partner to make sure he or she is enjoying it.

Clap Your Hands, Say When?

When using your hands to perform a spanking, you automatically have a built in gauge for pain. If it is stinging the palm of your hand, it’s stinging your partner’s bottom. Pull back and use the caress method when the pain becomes too intense.

Clothing is Okay

For some, spanking on the bare bottom is too intense. It’s perfectly okay to start out slow while wearing something to cover your bottom, until you build up a tolerance.

Get Equipped

There’s tons of equipment you can use in addition to your hand to make the spanking session better. Pipedream offers a wide variety of spanking products from wood canes and stingers to light bondage paddles and slappers.

Positions

Some of the most popular positions for you beginner’s to consider are as follows:

- Bent over a chair

- Bending your lover over your knees

- On the bed, laying face down

- Kneeling by the bed or ottoman

- Getting down on all fours

We’ll be back with another installment of our spanking guide with ways to incorporate role-playing, some advanced techniques, and more product suggestions in a future blog post.

Feel free to drop us a line if you have any questions in the meantime.

For more information, please go to www.bondassage.com

Welcome to our newest Bondassage Practitioners!

03/05/2012 08:15:00

Welcome to Emma Magdaleen of SF and Audrey Pele of New Orleans! They're the latest in the amazing group of humans to join the Bondassage team.

For more information, please go to bondassage.com

Got Rope?

02/17/2012 07:43:00

Got Rope?

by Mollena

People are often curious as to why a particular play-style, pervy activity or kind of kink appeals while others leave you cold. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I’ll tell you about why I so love bottoming to rope bondage.

There are forty-two reasons, on any given day, why kinky stuff gets my tingly bits tingling. For the most part, what I love most about BDSM is the connection with the person (or people!) with whom I’m playing. I’m one of those bottom/submissive/slave types who occasionally frustrates top/dominant/master types when negotiating play.

Oftentimes, when asked “So! What do you wanna do when we play?” I’ll respond,

“Well, what really makes

YOU

hot and horny?” I’m not trying to shirk responsibility for my pleasure, really! But my gut-level response is whatever truly pleases

them

will go a long, long way towards pleasing

“By why? Why do you do that kinky shit?” Not only do I get asked this question quite often; it’s one I asked myself while I was trying to figure out if I was actually going to go through with exploring BDSM. There are plenty of whys.

At the root of my pleasure in bottoming or submitting is knowing that the person with whom I am sharing this intimate exchange is thoroughly enjoying the scene and having a great time playing with me. When I get to see the smile on the top’s face, or sense their arousal, feel the building energy and excitement as they plot their next move, as they revel in the pleasure and pain they extract as they direct the orchestra of sensations that I will be experiencing and feeding back to them, I find a profound level of fulfillment. Yes, of course, there are some styles of play I prefer over and above others, however at the center of my sexual satisfaction is feeling connected and cared for by my partner, and the knowledge that our dynamic is mutually fulfilling.

It is important for me to feel connected with the person I play with, even if the type of scene we’re doing has the framework of something humiliating or frightening. One of the most connected forms of play in which I engage is rope bondage.

When I first became involved in the BDSM scene, I was at a play party watching several couples doing rope bondage scenes. There was a guy tying up some gals tits and a woman with some thin cord doing some kinda macramé shit on this guy’s twigs-and-berries and I watched, a bit puzzled. I didn't get it. It seems

really

t. e..d...i...o...u...s and I soon wandered off to watch a scene where three people were beating the crap out of someone shuddering and wailing and screaming and...giggling? Yeah, giggling on the floor. That had drama! Excitement!! Action!!! This rope shit was

not

capturing my imagination. Like, at all.

Want to give rope play a try? Some suggestions to get you started:

Silk Bondage Rope

Instruction from the Knotty Boys

Beginner's Silk Rope Kit

My first dominant was really into a style of bondage commonly referred to as kinbaku, or shibari in the USA. It’s a lot of rope, usually jute or hemp, and sometimes it is used as a way to suspend folks off of the ground, in defiance of several laws. Most notably, gravity. I wasn’t having any of it. As a fat chick, I was not at all interested in looking like a tied roast about to braise in a 450 degree oven, ya feel me?

But one of the things I love most about being submissive is that I’ve agreed to obey. So, I found myself trussed, twisted and tied, and somewhat taken-aback when I found myself slowing down, my senses heightened, my state of mind smoothed out, yet amped up, as the ropes went on me for the first time. My dominant wasn’t much of a talker while he was in the midst of administering rope bondage, but I soon realized that the very act of him laying yard after yard of earthy hemp rope across my skin was its own form of communication. The rope was an extension of his touch, and remained in place even after his hands had passed on to the next wrap, looping the next tie around this wrist and that ankle, over, under and around my breasts. Then I was in this kind of between place, adrift, yet alert; present in my body in a way I’d never been before, and yet somehow diffused throughout the network of rope.

When I saw how he stepped back to study his handiwork, when he whispered to me how beautiful I looked at his disposal, at his mercy, in his ropes, I felt

beautiful. I wasn’t self-conscious about my body; my body was thrumming with limitless energy. I was alive, alert and at his command. That was a heady thing, and being in rope brings me to that space of feeling like the gorgeous, helpless captive all over again.

Even the act of having the rope removed became a wondrous process. The rope left beautiful marks that spoke eloquently of the pleasure, discomfort and yeah, sometimes outright pain of being bound. I was being released back into the Default World, and the connection between us was moving back into the ethereal plane. For a while, there had been a solid, physical manifestation of that connection, and that is a marvel to behold.

I was hooked.

Don Sir — DonSirPhotography.com

Why do I love rope bondage?

The loss of control over parts of my body is deeply intoxicating. The idea that movement itself, the one thing since birth that we struggle to achieve and maintain, is now in the hands of someone else — that is something dangerous. Excitingly so.

It occurs to me that the secret wormhole I find when doing bondage is not just the loss of control: it is the deeper sense that every segment of rope is touched and energized by the person applying the bondage. That focused intent, that specificity can elevate the inanimate rope to its own heightened state. It is as though every section of rope is imbued with and carries the energy, control and caress of the one who is in control of it.

As the bondage becomes more binding or more complex, it is as though you are held in a physical manifestation of the thoughts of the person slowly taking from you the control of your limbs, skin, body — rope bondage can get to the point where even your breathing is restricted by the rope top. Imagine if every caress you felt while making love lasted and abraded and caressed and marked your skin in an after-shock of taut tension and sensation.

It is an echo that intensifies instead of fading.

It is a restriction that frees you to struggle and relinquish your control.

If you add to that the many textures of rope, it is even more .

Engaging. Soft silk ropes, slick serpentine nylon, earthy heady hemp, scritchy jute, stiff cotton. All of these have their own notes in the symphony of surrender. Simple, elusive, complex, difficult, joyous, terrifying, soft, brutal, beautiful.

I have many friends who are “riggers,” the term sometimes used for people who do the rope wrangling in a bondage scene. There’s a certain degree of technical skill needed to achieve the more complex types of rope bondage, and I do love being able to let myself go in the hands of those people who know what they’re doing. Sometimes, scenes can take weeks of prep, days of planning, and hours to execute. Sometimes they’re big, grandiose performances and I love that. Sometimes it’s just a simple piece of cotton rope around your wrists, holding your hands above your head as your lover whispers to you of the beautifully awful things they’re about to do to you. I love that, too.

Whatever the set and setting, exploring rope bondage is a wonderful path to erotic intimacy. I hope to keep exploring this path for as long as I have friends and lovers for whom a hank of rope and a willing victim puts a twinkle in their eyes, glimmering with the promise of sweet surrender and agonizing sensual bliss.

Best Bondage Erotica 2012

02/15/2012 11:23:00

Best Bondage Erotica 2012

Review Mia Moore

As someone who has only read the highest class of smut from far too early an age, say Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series at age 12, I can highly recommend Best Bondage Erotica 2012 for both the kinky minded and vanilla alike.

The book is 226 pages of bondage from both sides of the male and female paradigm, which is markedly different than the normal male dominated, literally and fictionally, bondage novels.

Best Bondage Erotica is edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel with a forward by renowned bondage artist, Midori.

These stories made me hot, made me squirm, and reading the book had to be broken up over several days, as I had to take breaks. Study breaks, if you will.

The story by Elizabeth Coldwell, called A Night at the Opera, where a woman dominates her lover during an opera performance, gives me chills and makes me think of Milan’s famous La Scala opera house, where I’d love for this to happen to me.

And Laced by Elizabeth Silver, which contains a male on male was so viscerally arousing, and yet so tender for a hard-edged story about sex and domination.

This anthology features 21 short stories, so the reading is very quick, like verbal porn, just enough to get you hot and get you off, but linger in your imagination. And you know what they say; a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Thanks to Cleis Press for providing this book in exchange for a fair review!

www.bondassage.com

5 Valentine's Day Surprises ...

02/10/2012 11:35:00

5 Valentine's Day Surprises That'll Get You Laid - For the Ladies

By Barbie Davenporte

There's less than a week til that holiday we love to hate and much of what makes Valentine's Day difficult to bear is the pressure put on guys to be "the man" and get their chicks some kind of boat or pony to show they love them fo' realz.

But spending big bucks on a present that may or may not make a difference is not in the picture for most of us these days, and honestly ladies -- you've gotta stop expecting your guy to do all the work.

So here are 5 affordable ways to show the guy of the moment (or the one you want to keep around for a while) that you care -- and that you're definitely interested in getting laid that night.

1. Role-play. With Costumes.

Ask any guy -- one of several ultimate fantasies involves his partner wearing some kind of get-up that resembles a super-hot female figure from pop culture (or real life). Some usual suspects? Princess Leia. Jessica Rabbit. Lara Croft from "Tomb Raider." Any character portrayed by Angelina Jolie.

Whatever his turn-on, try putting together an ensemble that gives him the right idea.

And if fantastical ladies aren't his bag, use the tried and true French maid or naked chef (with an apron for safety) idea. Don't make him wait until Halloween to see you wearing a sluttified version of an everyday outfit.

2. Cook.

Food and sex -- believe it or not, they're up on there on guys' "want all the time" scale higher than oxygen and high-5's. And who wouldn't want to come home from work/play to find he's got a full meal waiting for him and he doesn't have to do a damn thing in order to eat it?

Figure out his favorite food and see if you're capable of making it. Surprise him with a nice spread (pun intended) and if you're feeling extra saucy (pun also intended) serve him wearing just an apron and a smile.

Make sure to drop a napkin more than once and give him a good show as your bend, twist and reach for it. And no need for dessert, as whatever he eats after he takes that last bite of steak is up to him.

3. Plan a Bedroom Adventure.

This takes a bit of time and thought, but if that's a problem for you, you might want to rethink your goals.

At this point you and your man probably have boned a few times and you might have picked up on a few of his favorite sex positions - and possibly a few he'd like to try but you haven't felt up for yet.

Show your man how much you want him -- and want to please him -- by rallying, stretching and prepping yourself for some selfless sex.

He'll love knowing you spent at least a few minutes thinking about exciting ways for him to fuck you and you to suck him, and if he sees some sexy accessories by the bed his boner will be at full mast before you touch your toes.

4. Practice Tantric Sex

You've read about it, seen Sting talk about it on Oprah, but it still seems like a completely fantastical act that only hippies and Grammy winners practice.

Not true.

Here's a play-by-play first lesson for beginner Tantra triers.

It's not as hard as it looks. (That's what she said?)

5. Use Sex Toys.

Yeah yeah, we all say we love sex toys, but chances are we probably haven't dived into the couples toy world as deeply as we probably should. There are apprehensions and nerves to bypass, and it's not always easy to get him in the mood using something with a whirring motor.

So how about getting a few sex toys that are made specifically for his pleasure that you also can use together? The Fleshlight and other masturbator sleeves make handjobs feel better than ever, and you can make eye contact and all kinds of sexy talk to each other as you slowly work him with your newly vagina-ized hand.

Or bring over a cock ring, especially one with a vibrator. This will make his cock and balls look even huger than they already do (ahem) and give him an extra-hard erection thanks to its blood flow control.

And with a vibrator you (aka your clitoris) gets some pleasure, too. Chances are that little vibrating cock ring might give you an enhanced orgasm as you're fucking, which will make you feel like a million bucks and him feel like a fucking STUD.

But if sex toys ain't your bag, pick up some special lube -- flavors can be fun -- or maybe some massage oil. That stuff is much easier to introduce to a sex toy phobe and are still hella fun to use together.

Just remember -- this sex toy shopping trip is for him. Remember that "Simpsons" episode in which Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday? Do you think he really purchased that gift with his blue-haired wife in mind? Nope.

So don't pull a Homer - leave the glitter, pink bows, and rhinestones for your own personal pussy time.

Our First Sex Toy

02/09/2012 13:42:00

Our First Sex Toy

Posted by Anonymous

Jan 30, 2012

I was never the type of guy who thought I would ever use any type of sex toy. That was until I got with my fiancé who opened up a new world for me and her. She’s the kind of girl who knows what she wants in the bedroom, and you sure as hell better give it to her. She slowly introduced me to my first sex toy, but that wasn’t our last!

One night while we were talking, she mentioned how much she would love for me to use a vibrator on her. I wanted to but she’s been my only partner and I never bought a sex toy. Of course I was a bit embarrassed when I knew she was sending me to the store to look for a treat for her. Leaving the house with money in hand, and my stomach was in knots. How did I know what to get her? All I could think about was wanting to please her, so I knew exactly where I was heading. I nervously opened the door and all I saw was porn. I walked inside and started to look around. A man asked if I needed any help, so I joked about coming in here and not having a clue what to get. He made a few suggestions and I went with something pink. It’s her favorite color. Walking up the stairs to our apartment seemed to take forever. She looked my way with a huge smile on her face. “You actually went” she said. I tossed her the box, and she didn’t hesitate to open it. Within the next year, I discovered new ways to make her world spin. My curiosity was starting to get to me.

The next toy we bought was a butt plug. She was never interested in anal till the past year or so. I slowly gained her trust and showed her all the pleasures she had been missing out on. To my surprise, she was the one who bought the plug and lube. I was shocked to see that she enjoyed anal that much. I was even more surprised to see the size she had picked. She admitted to me it was much larger than she expected, but with a little patience and lots of lube, she was in heaven. Another purchase she made shortly after was two more plugs. I had never suspected that she would love anal so much. I love the fact that she always wants a plug in during sex. It’s really sexy, and knowing she can get off from anal alone is a turn on in itself. I love that she enjoys it so much mainly because I was the one who made her love it. Which is rare when it comes to sex, shes normally showing me what I like!

Our next purchase was the first one for me. It included a few c-rings and a lovely masturbator. My girl knows me apparently. She was the one who suggested we get these items. A masturbator is something every guy has to try at least once. I rarely masturbate, so I didn’t see a need for one. If I’m horny, I just get laid. Then I started thinking of all the fun things that I knew she would do to me with it. So we ordered it and used it as quick as we could get the packaging off and wash it. It was like a gift sent from god. Having more toys for the both of us just means more foreplay and more fun! The masturbator feels life-like and you can have a lot of fun when it comes to partner play.

The c-rings she had bought were a new experience I didn’t even know was possible. My girl was pleasantly surprised to find my cock was much thicker. Since I have ordered my rings, I wear them every time we have sex, and it has made it a new experience for us both. I get amazing head for hours a day because my girl loves the way the veins pop out of my cock when I wear it. I love the results we both get from me wearing one. It’s funny how a simple ring can cause such a drastic change in your sex life. But if people have been using c-rings as long as they have, somethings got to be good about them! C-rings really are a must have for any man who is sexually active. If you don’t own one then you are really missing out.

My girl has turned a virgin into a sex addict. I feel that I am lucky to be with her. She keeps showing me new sides of sex I never would have had the courage to try without her next to me.

5 Less Obvious Places To Touch ...

02/06/2012 06:56:00

5 Less Obvious Places to Touch Each Other

Jewely Hoxie, who is studying Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz — you can read her blog here — has a confession to make:

There are some perks to being a Human Sexuality major — and I’m not just talking about its potential as a pick-up line. Take the time I used my favorite places to be touched during sex as a way of remembering where we have the most nerve endings. Or my discovery — thanks prof! — that the parts of our body with the least amount of hair have the most nerve endings. Some of the nerve-rich areas are pretty obvious — lips, genitals, duh. But then there are body parts — with sparse to no hair — that don’t get nearly the amount of attention they deserve. Try these next time you’re in bed with someone:

The ear. Try light wisps of warm breath over the ear and maybe some small nibbles at the top during your next make-out session.
The collarbone. It is such a delicate part of the body that someone else’s soft kiss there can bring you to that romantic Bright Eyes love poem kind of place.
The hip bone. This is like the center of movement during sex. Any stimulation here will have a ripple effect on the rhythm of what’s going on. Consider a firm grab of the hips or even a little biting if you’re in the neighborhood.
The inner thigh. This is a good place to go for a tease before jumping in. It can be especially sensitive when your partner is sitting legs apart — the feeling of vulnerability tends to heighten the senses.
The back of the knees. This tends to be the most overlooked sensitive spot. Check in here while roaming down your partner’s body, or perhaps when their legs are flung near your face.

– Jewely Hoxie

5 Sexy Homemade Gift Ideas For Valentine's Day

02/03/2012 09:57:00

It's always fun to DIY!

5 Sexy Homemade Gift Ideas For Valentine’s Day

by Kaylen Jackson

Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if you’re short on cash, homemade gift ideas are your best bet. They’re sweet and romantic, without breaking the bank. Plus, a homemade gift is much more special than any store bought one. Here are five you don’t want to pass up on.

Chocolate Covered Strawberries

No, you don’t have to make a trip to your local gourmet chocolate store and spend a ton of money to get a nice box of chocolate covered strawberries. These are easy to make at home and can be easily dressed up for Valentine’s Day with an inexpensive box and some tissue paper.

If you do have some money to spend, you definitely want to go quality here. Get quality, organic strawberries and high quality melting chocolate. Simply dip the strawberries in the melted chocolate and set on a piece of wax paper. Refrigerate until they’re hardened and then arrange them in your decorative box. Voila! Way better than any box of chocolates you buy at the store.

If you want to get creative, look up some recipes on how to use white and milk chocolate together. When you gift them to your partner, make sure to include eating them sensually with a bottle of inexpensive champagne. That’s the best part of all!

Budoir Photos

Get your digital camera and take some sexy photos of yourself in lingerie and then again, in various stages of undress. If you have a friend that you trust to do this, employ them to help you so you can get some better quality photos. Upload them to a free online video editor (or a really good program if you happen to have one, but free editors are good too) and fix blemishes, add a filter if you like or even make it black and white for a really great look.

Once they’re done, print them out on a home photo printer (no, these aren’t ones you can send to your local photo developer) and either frame a few of your favorites or put them in a special book for your lover. If you don’t have a photo printer, make a digital collage and send it to him with a sexy email. He will love being able to look at you instead of porn when he’s feeling randy. Of course, he’ll still look at porn too, but your photos are likely going to be his special favorite.

Sex Coupons

Sex coupons are always in style and extremely easy and inexpensive to make for Valentine’s Day. You can grab some construction paper, markers and glitter from the store if you want to go all out, or you can simply type them out, throw a few cute clip art photos on there and print them. Either way, sex coupons are an excellent option if you don’t have a lot of funds for the big day. Just make sure you actually follow through whenever your man wants to redeem them.

If he wants to redeem a coupon for a 30 minute long blowjob and you say you’ve got a headache, it’s like you’ve taken his gift back to the store, just before he got to open it. So go through with whatever you put on your coupons, whenever your guy redeems them. Headache or not.

Cook A Delectable, Candlelit Dinner

You don’t have to go out to dinner on Valentine’s Day if you don’t want to brave the crowds or don’t have the cash for a decent reservation. Plan a meal that you can cook, and set the table. Most people actually don’t eat at the dining room table, so if you set the table with candles and everything, it’s going to seem almost – almost – like you’re at a restaurant. If you can’t cook, order out! Just make sure you’re sitting across the table from your beau without the distraction of the television, your phones, the computer, etc. To make it sexy, try cooking and eating while completely naked. Or, let him eat dinner off you.

A Sexy Treasure Hunt

Make your man go on a treasure hunt – with you as the treasure! Leave post-its with dirty messages on them, or rose petals leading from the door all the way to the bedroom. Use your creativity to come up with a fun way for him to find you, so long as you’re waiting for him either naked or dressed in something very, very sexy. He will love the suspense of looking for you, only to find you ready and waiting for him!

Thanks for a great article, Kaylen! Find more tips for your sweetie at www.bondassage.com

Sex Is Always The Answer

01/30/2012 15:24:00

Loved this article:

Sex is like money. I hear women say ‘Sex isn’t everything’, or ‘There’s more to life than sex’. But like money, it’s usually those who say it isn’t everything who don’t have enough of it. The bottom line however, is that we need money to live…and we need sex to stay ‘alive’.

Admit it. I know I’m not the only one who’s run into someone who’s being a complete jackass or a raging bitch and thought “Damn. They need to get laid.”

It is a biological fact that any act that stimulates one sexually and ultimately satisfies sexual desires, releases a chemical in the brain that creates a euphoric sense of relaxation and well-being. If frequent sex makes for happier individuals, why aren’t we all having more of it? If we were all enjoying more satisfying sex lives, would there be less anger, hatred, war, and general acts of aggression? I believe that frequency and quality of sex affects our attitudes, our stress levels, our coping abilities, and ultimately our success in life on a daily basis.

Pharmaceutical companies are spending a lot of money right now developing a drug that will increase a woman’s libido, doing for women what Viagra did for men. Thanks to the wonders of modern science, there is always a pill we can take to fix what’s broken. First they sold us on anti-depressants like Prozac, which had a side effect that lowered our sex drives. Now they want to sell us another pill to get it back again. Ridiculous isn’t it? When all we really need is to reawaken our sexuality and readjust our attitudes so we can enjoy healthy sex lives and reap the benefits of Mother Nature’s anti-depressant – oxytocin.

I talk with women who have not had sex in months or even years. They are often healthy, attractive, intelligent women, who say they choose not to have sex, because they no longer have the desire and they are fine living without it. Many single women feel that if they don’t have a committed relationship, they would rather be celibate than live with the complications that casual sex can cause. I have talked to these same women after reconnecting with their sexuality, whether it was a casual fling, new friend with benefits, or the start of a new relationship. They light up like Christmas trees when they tell you how wonderful it was to feel sexually desired again and physically satisfied.

This tuning out of sexual intimacy is not only an affliction for single women. I speak with even more women and men who are in monogamous committed relationships that can’t remember when they last had sex. I know there are various excuses for this. We’re busy, we’re tired, we’re raising kids, dealing with debt, blah, blah, blah. But I think the real problem stems from an inability in our culture to embrace and celebrate our sexuality.

Unfortunately our society and religious influences have created feelings of guilt and shame around sex, particularly for women. Messages like ‘touching yourself is bad’, or ‘casual sex makes you a slut’ or ‘sex is for procreation, not for pleasure’ have been fed to us for thousands of years. Yet, through all this there were popes and cardinals in the Middle Ages who had mistresses and illegitimate children living in the Vatican! So fast forward 500 or so years and here we are with politicians who believe that birth control should be made illegal! What century is this again?

There was a time, long, long ago, believe it or not, when female sexuality was revered. Ancient cultures worshipped Goddesses for their power, wisdom, and benevolence. They were healers and priestesses. It was man’s thirst for power and control that turned these revered and sacred ‘wise women’ as they were called, into witches, and sparked The Inquisition and the Salem witch hunts where hundreds of thousands of women were tortured and murdered.

A couple of years ago, the Dalai Lama said that the world will be saved by the western woman. Nicole Daedone, author of “Slow Sex; The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm” has a slightly different theory, and one that the Dalai Lama would probably not feel comfortable stating. Ms. Daedone’s theory is that the world will be saved by the ‘turned-on woman’. And I tend to agree with her. The beauty of feminine sexuality needs to be rediscovered and embraced by today’s modern women and revered and respected by men. And I believe it can change the course of history. In our present day economy, sex is still a simple pleasure that costs nothing (unless of course you choose to pay for it).

Our amazing bodies have been intricately designed, not just for purposes of procreation but for pleasure. What a terrible waste not to learn how to use them. On my website, Empowered Sex, I refer to women embracing their sexuality as unleashing your inner Goddess or embracing your inner slut. You can call it whatever you want, just do it. There are a lot of things wrong with this world right now that we can do little about, so if you’re going to make a New Year’s resolution I would suggest just one. Male or female, and regardless of sexual preference, make a concerted effort to have more exciting, pleasurable, raucous, joyful, mind-blowing, consensual sex in 2012. Do your part for world peace.

Patti Sommer (aka Patti Cakes) is a sexuality, relationship, & women’s empowerment coach and writer. She has appeared on numerous radio shows as co-host & guest and hosts live discussion groups on sexuality. Patti has an open-minded, non-judgmental approach to sexuality regardless of lifestyle choice or sexual preference. To schedule coaching sessions with Patti or read more of her articles go to www.empoweredsex.com. Patti also recently launched a new business venture in Denver called Cougar Limo Service - www.cougarlimousine.com. In her spare time Miss Patti Cakes occasionally performs burlesque - a calling that started as a research project!

Surrendering is delicious ...

01/27/2012 11:11:00

A lovely article from Midori:

What Every Submissive Needs To Know Before They Play

by Midori Published: November 21, 2011

When you find it, the desire to jump into the deep end of the BDSM pool can be irresistible. The excitement of new found friends, playmates and activities can drive a submissive off track and into dangerous situations for mind, body and soul. In this letter to my submissive friends, I offer some advice to avoid the pitfalls during your adventures.

Dear Friend,

I am so excited for you! It’s such a thrill to watch you blossom into your own sexuality and forge ahead with erotic explorations. For too many years you’ve denied your desires and then struggled to come to terms with them. Now, as you’ve discovered there are others like you; a community of people who enjoy the same things you do, you radiate with the joy of finding acceptance and common ground, a place where you could be heard and let’s not forget, get hot play.

I know you’re about to rush out the door for a play date, but would you take a moment and hear me out? I know everybody and everything you’re encountering seems exciting and wonderful, but will be potential pitfalls, heartaches and dangers along the way. I’m your friend so I’d like to do my best to help you avoid them.

Remember, whatever desires, roles or labels we take on, we’re people first. Respect yourself, respect others and choose to be with those who respect you for all that you are. Even the most gloriously degenerate and depraved play must start from a place of mutual respect and return to that afterwards.

You didn’t get this far in life by being a doormat; so don’t let people walk all over you just because they say they can. You are powerful. Choosing submission from a place of power is beautiful. Find a person who appreciates and treasures that. You’re like a hot-blooded racehorse; under sleek beauty simmers great energy. But you get to choose who will take your reigns, so don’t let just anyone take control, or you’ll get taken for a ride. Be choosy — you’re worth it.

Common sense still rules. Don’t leave it at the dungeon door. Trust your intuition and gut feelings. They won’t let you down. They’ve served you well in the mainstream dating world, and they’ll serve you well now. Remember when you dated Mr. Handsome? He was all slick, smooth and a hot lover who said all the right things. Remember how that turned out? Big time disaster! The same happens in kinkdom. There are just as many smooth talking self-centered bastards with great play skills — don’t assume everyone you meet has your best interest at heart, even if they say they do. Take the time to find out who they really are before you jump into anything.

Take time to make friends you can trust. Honestly, dominants come and go, but friends will be your lifetime support, asset, second opinion, conscience, warning bells and shoulders to cry on.

While you’re newly exploring, try playing with many tops and dominants to see which one suits you best. Some people will try to tell you that a “good” submissive can be trained to serve any dominant. But, it’s no different than dating; personality, chemistry and mutual interests are still just as important as they’ve always been. Where bedroom chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean good boyfriend material, great kink skills or dominance doesn’t make him great boyfriend material.

Remember, tops and dominants are people too. They have their flaws, strengths, good times, bad times and vulnerabilities, just as you do. Be kind to them. Like you, most are working hard to figure it out themselves. They don’t have all the answers, and they’re also continually evolving. Some have a hard time coming to terms with even that. If they make a genuinely well-intended mistake, and own it, give them the benefit of the doubt.

Many people will offer advice, companionship, even protection to you when you’re first starting out. Some will be genuine offers of assistance and friendship; others will have their own agenda. Ultimately, you are in charge of taking care of yourself. When you are considering playing with someone, you need to gauge if you’re going into play in a good place physically and emotionally. You need to take care of your pre-scene and post-scene health and heart. You need to state what sort of after care you need and from whom during negotiation beforehand. Maybe certain aspects of your aftercare need to come from someone other than the dominant you played with. If so, you need to arrange for or ask for what you need beforehand.

During a scene, you need to state if things are not working. You absolutely have the right to say ‘no.’ Yes, bottoms and submissives get to have a say in their own boundaries, what works and what doesn’t. This doesn't automatically make you bad or topping from the bottom. If a dominant can’t deal with your boundary setting, you don’t have to deal with them.

Surrendering is delicious. It’s like a fantastic vacation from every day pressures. You can take these mini-vacations, but you don’t get to check out of life and your responsibilities.

Deep play can give you clarity of vision and perspective on life. It can be meaningful and feel therapeutic. But that doesn’t make it therapy. Kink can’t fix you or your problems — nor can any dominant. That’s up to you and your life’s work.

In this adventure you’re having, you’re going to learn a whole lot about yourself. Some discoveries will be amazing. Some will be amazingly challenging. No matter what, love yourself — because you’re utterly lovable, powerful and amazing.

You are dear to me, my friend.

Love,

Midori

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