A lovely article from Midori:
What Every Submissive Needs To Know Before They Play by Midori
Published: November 21, 2011
Dear Friend, I am so excited for you! It’s such a thrill to watch you blossom
into your own sexuality and forge ahead with erotic explorations. For
too many years you’ve denied your desires and then struggled to come to
terms with them. Now, as you’ve discovered there are others like you; a
community of people who enjoy the same things you do, you radiate with
the joy of finding acceptance and common ground, a place where you could
be heard and let’s not forget, get hot play. I know you’re about to rush out the door for a play date, but would
you take a moment and hear me out? I know everybody and everything
you’re encountering seems exciting and wonderful, but will be potential
pitfalls, heartaches and dangers along the way. I’m your friend so I’d
like to do my best to help you avoid them. Remember, whatever desires, roles or labels we take on, we’re people
first. Respect yourself, respect others and choose to be with those who
respect you for all that you are. Even the most gloriously degenerate
and depraved play must start from a place of mutual respect and return
to that afterwards. You didn’t get this far in life by being a doormat; so don’t let
people walk all over you just because they say they can. You are
powerful. Choosing submission from a place of power is beautiful. Find a
person who appreciates and treasures that. You’re like a hot-blooded
racehorse; under sleek beauty simmers great energy. But you get to
choose who will take your reigns, so don’t let just anyone take control,
or you’ll get taken for a ride. Be choosy — you’re worth it. Common sense still rules. Don’t leave it at the dungeon door. Trust
your intuition and gut feelings. They won’t let you down. They’ve served
you well in the mainstream dating world, and they’ll serve you well
now. Remember when you dated Mr. Handsome? He was all slick, smooth and a
hot lover who said all the right things. Remember how that turned out?
Big time disaster! The same happens in kinkdom. There are just as many
smooth talking self-centered bastards with great play skills — don’t
assume everyone you meet has your best interest at heart, even if they
say they do. Take the time to find out who they really are before you
jump into anything. Take time to make friends you can trust. Honestly, dominants come
and go, but friends will be your lifetime support, asset, second
opinion, conscience, warning bells and shoulders to cry on. While you’re newly exploring, try playing with many tops and
dominants to see which one suits you best. Some people will try to tell
you that a “good” submissive can be trained to serve any dominant. But,
it’s no different than dating; personality, chemistry and mutual
interests are still just as important as they’ve always been. Where
bedroom chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean good boyfriend material,
great kink skills or dominance doesn’t make him great boyfriend
material. Remember, tops and dominants are people too. They have their flaws,
strengths, good times, bad times and vulnerabilities, just as you do. Be
kind to them. Like you, most are working hard to figure it out
themselves. They don’t have all the answers, and they’re also
continually evolving. Some have a hard time coming to terms with even
that. If they make a genuinely well-intended mistake, and own it, give
them the benefit of the doubt. Many people will offer advice, companionship, even protection to you
when you’re first starting out. Some will be genuine offers of
assistance and friendship; others will have their own agenda.
Ultimately, you are in charge of taking care of
yourself. When you are considering playing with someone, you need to
gauge if you’re going into play in a good place physically and
emotionally. You need to take care of your pre-scene and post-scene
health and heart. You need to state what sort of after care you need and
from whom during negotiation beforehand. Maybe certain aspects of your
aftercare need to come from someone other than the dominant you played
with. If so, you need to arrange for or ask for what you need
beforehand. During a scene, you need to state if things are not working. You
absolutely have the right to say ‘no.’ Yes, bottoms and submissives get
to have a say in their own boundaries, what works and what doesn’t. This
doesn't automatically make you bad or topping from the bottom. If a
dominant can’t deal with your boundary setting, you don’t have to deal
with them.
Surrendering is delicious. It’s like a fantastic vacation from every
day pressures. You can take these mini-vacations, but you don’t get to
check out of life and your responsibilities.
Deep play can give you clarity of vision and perspective on life. It
can be meaningful and feel therapeutic. But that doesn’t make it
therapy. Kink can’t fix you or your problems — nor can any dominant.
That’s up to you and your life’s work. In this adventure you’re having, you’re going to learn a whole lot
about yourself. Some discoveries will be amazing. Some will be amazingly
challenging. No matter what, love yourself — because you’re utterly
lovable, powerful and amazing. You are dear to me, my friend. Love,
Midori For more information about Bondassage: www.bondassage.com |
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