Adventures in Bondassageland
January 2012
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Posted on Monday, January 30, 2012 3:24 PM
Loved this article:
Sex
is like money. I hear women say ‘Sex isn’t everything’, or ‘There’s
more to life than sex’. But like money, it’s usually those who say it
isn’t everything who don’t have enough of it. The bottom line however,
is that we need money to live…and we need sex to stay ‘alive’.
Admit it. I know I’m not the only one who’s run into someone who’s
being a complete jackass or a raging bitch and thought “Damn. They need
to get laid.” It is a biological fact that any act that stimulates one sexually and
ultimately satisfies sexual desires, releases a chemical in the brain
that creates a euphoric sense of relaxation and well-being. If frequent
sex makes for happier individuals, why aren’t we all having more of it?
If we were all enjoying more satisfying sex lives, would there be less
anger, hatred, war, and general acts of aggression? I believe that
frequency and quality of sex affects our attitudes, our stress levels,
our coping abilities, and ultimately our success in life on a daily
basis.
Pharmaceutical companies are spending a lot of money right now
developing a drug that will increase a woman’s libido, doing for women
what Viagra did for men. Thanks to the wonders of modern science, there
is always a pill we can take to fix what’s broken. First they sold us on
anti-depressants like Prozac, which had a side effect that lowered our
sex drives. Now they want to sell us another pill to get it back again.
Ridiculous isn’t it? When all we really need is to reawaken our
sexuality and readjust our attitudes so we can enjoy healthy sex lives
and reap the benefits of Mother Nature’s anti-depressant – oxytocin.
I talk with women who have not had sex in months or even years. They
are often healthy, attractive, intelligent women, who say they choose
not to have sex, because they no longer have the desire and they are
fine living without it. Many single women feel that if they don’t have a
committed relationship, they would rather be celibate than live with
the complications that casual sex can cause. I have talked to these same
women after reconnecting with their sexuality, whether it was a casual
fling, new friend with benefits, or the start of a new relationship.
They light up like Christmas trees when they tell you how wonderful it
was to feel sexually desired again and physically satisfied.
This tuning out of sexual intimacy is not only an affliction for
single women. I speak with even more women and men who are in
monogamous committed relationships that can’t remember when they last
had sex. I know there are various excuses for this. We’re busy, we’re
tired, we’re raising kids, dealing with debt, blah, blah, blah. But I
think the real problem stems from an inability in our culture to embrace
and celebrate our sexuality.
Unfortunately our society and religious influences have created
feelings of guilt and shame around sex, particularly for women.
Messages like ‘touching yourself is bad’, or ‘casual sex makes you a
slut’ or ‘sex is for procreation, not for pleasure’ have been fed to us
for thousands of years. Yet, through all this there were popes and
cardinals in the Middle Ages who had mistresses and illegitimate
children living in the Vatican! So fast forward 500 or so years and here
we are with politicians who believe that birth control should be made
illegal! What century is this again? There was a time, long, long ago, believe it or not, when female
sexuality was revered. Ancient cultures worshipped Goddesses for their
power, wisdom, and benevolence. They were healers and priestesses. It
was man’s thirst for power and control that turned these revered and
sacred ‘wise women’ as they were called, into witches, and sparked The
Inquisition and the Salem witch hunts where hundreds of thousands of
women were tortured and murdered.
A couple of years ago, the Dalai Lama said that the world will be saved by the western woman. Nicole Daedone, author of “Slow Sex; The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm”
has a slightly different theory, and one that the Dalai Lama would
probably not feel comfortable stating. Ms. Daedone’s theory is that the
world will be saved by the ‘turned-on woman’. And I tend to agree with
her. The beauty of feminine sexuality needs to be rediscovered and
embraced by today’s modern women and revered and respected by men. And I
believe it can change the course of history. In our present day
economy, sex is still a simple pleasure that costs nothing (unless of
course you choose to pay for it).
Our amazing bodies have been intricately designed, not just for
purposes of procreation but for pleasure. What a terrible waste not to
learn how to use them. On my website, Empowered Sex,
I refer to women embracing their sexuality as unleashing your inner
Goddess or embracing your inner slut. You can call it whatever you want,
just do it. There are a lot of things wrong with this world right now
that we can do little about, so if you’re going to make a New Year’s
resolution I would suggest just one. Male or female, and regardless of
sexual preference, make a concerted effort to have more exciting,
pleasurable, raucous, joyful, mind-blowing, consensual sex in 2012. Do
your part for world peace.
Patti
Sommer (aka Patti Cakes) is a sexuality, relationship, & women’s
empowerment coach and writer. She has appeared on numerous radio shows
as co-host & guest and hosts live discussion groups on sexuality.
Patti has an open-minded, non-judgmental approach to sexuality
regardless of lifestyle choice or sexual preference. To schedule
coaching sessions with Patti or read more of her articles go to
www.empoweredsex.com. Patti also recently launched a new business
venture in Denver called Cougar Limo Service - www.cougarlimousine.com.
In her spare time Miss Patti Cakes occasionally performs burlesque - a
calling that started as a research project!
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Posted on Friday, January 27, 2012 11:11 AM
A lovely article from Midori:
What Every Submissive Needs To Know Before They Play
by Midori
Published: November 21, 2011
When you find it, the desire to jump
into the deep end of the BDSM pool can be irresistible. The excitement
of new found friends, playmates and activities can drive a submissive
off track and into dangerous situations for mind, body and soul. In this
letter to my submissive friends, I offer some advice to avoid the
pitfalls during your adventures.
Dear Friend,
I am so excited for you! It’s such a thrill to watch you blossom
into your own sexuality and forge ahead with erotic explorations. For
too many years you’ve denied your desires and then struggled to come to
terms with them. Now, as you’ve discovered there are others like you; a
community of people who enjoy the same things you do, you radiate with
the joy of finding acceptance and common ground, a place where you could
be heard and let’s not forget, get hot play.
I know you’re about to rush out the door for a play date, but would
you take a moment and hear me out? I know everybody and everything
you’re encountering seems exciting and wonderful, but will be potential
pitfalls, heartaches and dangers along the way. I’m your friend so I’d
like to do my best to help you avoid them.
Remember, whatever desires, roles or labels we take on, we’re people
first. Respect yourself, respect others and choose to be with those who
respect you for all that you are. Even the most gloriously degenerate
and depraved play must start from a place of mutual respect and return
to that afterwards.
You didn’t get this far in life by being a doormat; so don’t let
people walk all over you just because they say they can. You are
powerful. Choosing submission from a place of power is beautiful. Find a
person who appreciates and treasures that. You’re like a hot-blooded
racehorse; under sleek beauty simmers great energy. But you get to
choose who will take your reigns, so don’t let just anyone take control,
or you’ll get taken for a ride. Be choosy — you’re worth it.
Common sense still rules. Don’t leave it at the dungeon door. Trust
your intuition and gut feelings. They won’t let you down. They’ve served
you well in the mainstream dating world, and they’ll serve you well
now. Remember when you dated Mr. Handsome? He was all slick, smooth and a
hot lover who said all the right things. Remember how that turned out?
Big time disaster! The same happens in kinkdom. There are just as many
smooth talking self-centered bastards with great play skills — don’t
assume everyone you meet has your best interest at heart, even if they
say they do. Take the time to find out who they really are before you
jump into anything.
Take time to make friends you can trust. Honestly, dominants come
and go, but friends will be your lifetime support, asset, second
opinion, conscience, warning bells and shoulders to cry on.
While you’re newly exploring, try playing with many tops and
dominants to see which one suits you best. Some people will try to tell
you that a “good” submissive can be trained to serve any dominant. But,
it’s no different than dating; personality, chemistry and mutual
interests are still just as important as they’ve always been. Where
bedroom chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean good boyfriend material,
great kink skills or dominance doesn’t make him great boyfriend
material.
Remember, tops and dominants are people too. They have their flaws,
strengths, good times, bad times and vulnerabilities, just as you do. Be
kind to them. Like you, most are working hard to figure it out
themselves. They don’t have all the answers, and they’re also
continually evolving. Some have a hard time coming to terms with even
that. If they make a genuinely well-intended mistake, and own it, give
them the benefit of the doubt.
Many people will offer advice, companionship, even protection to you
when you’re first starting out. Some will be genuine offers of
assistance and friendship; others will have their own agenda.
Ultimately, you are in charge of taking care of
yourself. When you are considering playing with someone, you need to
gauge if you’re going into play in a good place physically and
emotionally. You need to take care of your pre-scene and post-scene
health and heart. You need to state what sort of after care you need and
from whom during negotiation beforehand. Maybe certain aspects of your
aftercare need to come from someone other than the dominant you played
with. If so, you need to arrange for or ask for what you need
beforehand.
During a scene, you need to state if things are not working. You
absolutely have the right to say ‘no.’ Yes, bottoms and submissives get
to have a say in their own boundaries, what works and what doesn’t. This
doesn't automatically make you bad or topping from the bottom. If a
dominant can’t deal with your boundary setting, you don’t have to deal
with them.
Surrendering is delicious. It’s like a fantastic vacation from every
day pressures. You can take these mini-vacations, but you don’t get to
check out of life and your responsibilities.
Deep play can give you clarity of vision and perspective on life. It
can be meaningful and feel therapeutic. But that doesn’t make it
therapy. Kink can’t fix you or your problems — nor can any dominant.
That’s up to you and your life’s work.
In this adventure you’re having, you’re going to learn a whole lot
about yourself. Some discoveries will be amazing. Some will be amazingly
challenging. No matter what, love yourself — because you’re utterly
lovable, powerful and amazing.
You are dear to me, my friend.
Love,
Midori
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Bondage Massage, Bondassage, Bound Massage, Kinky Massage, Kinky Sensual Massage, Sensory Deprivation Massage, Sensual Bondage, Sensual Bondage Massage, Sensual Domination, You're Bound To Surrender, Sensation Play Tips, BDSM, Midori
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Posted on Monday, January 23, 2012 11:27 AM
Here's a lovely short video I found:
The Dominatrix ~ A BDSM History
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Posted on Sunday, January 22, 2012 12:34 AM
You know that I'm always on the lookout for new kinky toys to play with ... and I was so delighted to see this article:
http://www.edencafe.com/its-a-pervertible-wonderland/
It’s a Pervertible Wonderland
By AndroAngel
Ah, pervertibles, that wonderful thing that every kinkster
should know about. Your first kinky toys were probably pervertibles. A
pervertible is any every day object that can be repurposed for a kinky
purpose. Once you learn how to shop for pervertibles, you start seeing
them everywhere. There are thousands of things that can be done with
everyday objects, limited only by your imagination. From Walmart to Home
Depot, to Petsmart or Petco, the shopping options are limitless. Today,
I’m going to cover some shopping tips for pervertible items to get you
started on the road to the kinky toy bag you’ve always wanted.
The first stop off on any pervertible shopping trip is the utensil
aisle. My first recommendation is that you pick up an escargot fork.
It’s a small, two tined fork that can be used to great effect in
sensation play by tracing the tines gently over the skin. A spatula or a
wooden spoon can easily be substituted for a paddle. By cooling the
edge of a metal butter knife on an ice cube, you can make it feel much
sharper than it is and it can be used efficiently in knife play. For
best effect, show your submissive a sharp knife before blindfolding them
and switching out the knives. A pair of still connected disposable
chopsticks can be substituted for nipple clamps in a pinch, and a soft
bristled bottle brush can be used gently over skin to sensitize it.
Next, we’ll travel to the storage and organization aisle. If you can
find a very sturdy shoe rack, you can improvise a spanking bench. I only
recommend doing this if the shoe rack can hold more than the full
weight of the person it has to support. Clothespins can be used as
clamps, and attached to just about any area of skin that can be pinched
upwards. If you run a string through a series of clothespins, you can
make an improvised zipper strip, which can be attached to the skin in a
line, then pulled off all at once with the string. While you’re still in
housewares, you should also be able to find a shower curtain rod or a
regular curtain rod, which, with a few modifications can become a
spreader bar.
If you’re shopping online or in a bigger department store, you might
find that they have a massage section. If you have the room for it, you
can’t go wrong with a massage table or chair. Not only are they good for
actual massages, a good sturdy one will have plenty of places you can
hook cuffs and keep your sub on a good level for you to work. Also in
the massage area, you should find an assortment of massagers. You
already know what to do with those, right? You should even be able to
find massage table bolsters, which can take the place of a position
pillow if you can’t afford one yet.
There are plenty of other things you might pick up in a department
store. A wooden ruler makes an excellent paddle. A dull letter opener
can be traced gently over the skin in knife play. A spa mask or a sleep
mask for travel can be used in place of a blindfold. In fact, we’ve
found that the sleep masks they make for air travel are considerably
more comfortable than most of the blindfolds we’ve bought. A feather
duster makes a great feather tickler, too, and a hairbrush makes a good
paddle. For more ideas on sensation play pervertibles, have a look at
the sensation play paragraph in my article “Sex Doesn’t Need to Begin
and End with V.”
The next stop off on our pervertible hunt is the pet store. Here’s
where it starts getting interesting. First question, are you interested
in pet play? This is where you can start picking up supplies if that’s
the case. You can find dog or cat bowls, tennis balls, rope tug-toys,
feather wands, toy mice, pet beds, collars, leashes, and tags here for
your new “pet.” Not into pet play? The pet store is still a good stop
off for you. The dog collars are usually made sturdy, and most of them
are exceptionally comfortable. I recommend the kind with the metal
buckle closures, not the plastic snaps. Collars sized for tiny dogs,
like chihuahuas, can be used as cuffs for securing wrists and ankles.
Leashes work for their intended purpose, of course, but they can also be
looped around a headboard or other secure point and used as fastening
points for cuffs. You should also be able to find large dog harnesses.
We actually tried a few on for size, and the ones intended for large
shepherds adjusted the best to fit around human chests. They can be used
to secure someone in bondage, or as a grabbing point to pull someone
close or move them as you see fit, and of course they can also be hooked
to a leash. They have the added bonus of looking nice, as well. In the
cat toys, you can find feather sticks, which make excellent feather
ticklers in a pinch. While you’re there, you might consider picking up
some organic catnip. Catnip tea is a good beverage to have available
during after care, as it has mild sedative effects and it can be great
for calming frayed nerves and balancing emotions. Catnip can also be
used on mild cuts and bruises. I suggest reading more in-depth
information on its effects before you use it on yourself or your
partner, however.
The last pervertible stop off I’m going to cover in this article is
the hardware store. It is, perhaps, the best place of them all to buy
pervertibles. I suggest getting at least four double ended snap hooks,
eight is even better. They can be used to fasten cuffs and chains in
different combination. You can also find chain O rings in various sizes,
which can be used in strap on harnesses, and buy lengths of chain. I
suggest buying four lengths of a light, sturdy chain to use as tethers
with your cuffs. Your segments of chain can be cut between one and a
half feet and two feet. Of course, you can also buy rope. Choose rope
that isn’t likely to chafe, and soak it overnight to help soften it
before use. If you plan to do any kind of advanced rope work, you’ll
need at least 35 feet of rope. It seems like a lot, but once you start
tying, it goes quickly. There are plenty more pervertibles out there, and you’re limited only
by your imagination, so have fun trying things out and learning as you
go. Always remember the rules of BDSM safety and always respect limits.
Once you’ve tried out some BDSM with pervertibles, remember that
different materials get different effects, and adding nicer, luxury
items to your toy bag can make your play time all the more fun. By
mixing professionally made toys and pervertibles, you open up a world of
sensual pain and pleasure to explore.
Great tips, right? |
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Posted on Friday, January 20, 2012 12:03 PM
Just saw an interesting article this morning
BDSM: It’s less transgressive than you think...
So says the author of a new book on white, middle-class kinksters in the San Francisco Bay Area
By Tracy Clark-Flory
A young African-American woman walked onstage, led by a white
man holding a leash attached to a collar around her neck. “As he spoke,
he yanked up her dress to display her shaved genitals, and he then
turned her around,” writes anthropologist Margot Weiss. “Still holding
her dress above her waist, he smacked her ass so hard she pitched
forward; the leash attached to the collar around her neck stopped her
fall.”
Then the bidding began.
This scene from a BDSM “slave auction” — before a predominantly white
audience – makes for one of the most viscerally challenging passages in
“Techniques of Pleasure,” Weiss’ book-length investigation of San
Francisco’s kink community, although there are other examples, ranging
from father-daughter incest to Nazi guard-prisoner scenarios.
These
encounters aren’t described in much detail — instead, they’re used as
passing evidence of the depths of politically incorrect play that she
observed, or heard about, during the three years spent observing this
world.
Most kinksters see such “scenes” as standing apart from racism,
sexism and all manner of ugliness that happens in the real world — but
Weiss does not. “The fantasy of the scene as a safe space of private
desire justifies and reinforces certain social inequalities,” she
argues. The truth, she says, is that S/M “depends for its erotic power
on precisely these real-world relations, within which it is given form
and content.”
That said, Weiss objects to the idea that this sort of sexual
make-believe is “the same as the violence that it mimes,” as some BDSM
critics argue. Instead, Weiss looks at how particular scenes, whether
it’s a slave auction or make-believe child abuse, affect the people
participating, watching or (here’s looking at you) reading about it.
She also zeroes in on the contradictions of kink: “On the one hand,
SM is figured as outlaw: as transgressive of normative sexual values,”
Weiss writes. “On the other hand, SM is dependent on social norms:
practitioners draw on social hierarchies to produce SM scenes.” The
mostly-white, mostly-middle-class community is itself an example of
real-world social inequality: ”These [sexual] experiments are more
possible and more accessible to those with class, race and gender
privilege: heterosexual men playing with sexism, white bodies at a
charity slave auction, professional information technology (IT) workers
with several rooms filled with custom-made bondage toys.”
Speaking of toys, she further questions S/M’s “outlaw” status by
painting a portrait of a social network built on capitalism and
consumerism: Just consider the rainbow’s array of classes (on everything
from spanking to rope bondage) and fetish toys (from handcuffs to latex
vacuum beds) that practitioners can, and are to some degree expected
to, invest in. BDSM is not as transgressive as most assume, says Weiss.
As you’ve probably gathered, “Techniques of Pleasure” is a smart, but
not particularly sexy, read. It’s light on kinky lingo and heavy on the
academic jargon. So, I got Weiss, an assistant anthropology professor
at Wesleyan University, on the phone for a more relaxed chat about the
ambivalent politics of the BDSM community.
You write in the book about your initial surprise at your
first BDSM event that everyone seemed so darned “normal” and
“wholesome.” How so?
It was definitely not what I expected. There were way more
heterosexual people and they were older than I thought they would be.
They were wearing not the most cutting-edge fetish outfits — they
weren’t all black leather and riding in on their motorcycles. I realized
then that these were people that I was comfortable with, they were
professional-class people. They weren’t the radical people I expected to
find: They were more like my colleagues or like my parents.
You also talk in the book about how the strict rules and regulations within S/M seem to contradict the scene’s rebel identity.
People find themselves participating in social formations that they
themselves didn’t construct. In the ’80s, there was a concern in the
scene about federal regulation, the possibility of busts, but also
primarily a need to protect people from HIV transmission. The Bay Area
leather scene was so decimated by HIV and AIDS, so safety and control
became a a major concern for different S/M organizations.
Plenty of people in S/M now hate the rules. They say, “It used to be
you could do all this crazy stuff and it was a lot more fun and a lot
sexier and now you go to a play party and you start to do something and
the dungeon monitor is right there yelling at you, ‘That’s not
allowed!’” One thing that I found interesting was that resenting the
rules was one way that you became a respected S/M practitioner.
People outside of the scene tend to think that S/M is totally wild,
there are no rules, people are just doing whatever they feel like doing —
but if you show them a 10-page negotiation form or a checklist or the
20-minute safety lecture that goes into almost any kind of play, people
are amazed.
What about the consumerist and capitalist elements that you found?
I was amazed at how much stuff there was to buy; there are toys,
manuals, books, classes. A lot of scholars have argued that in late
capitalism in the United States, people’s identity is about what they
consume. In S/M, there is a kind of “work on the self,” or self-mastery,
that’s about different practices, different kinds of technique, but
then those techniques are then tied back into toys,
different paraphernalia, different kinds of commodities. You become a
bondage master in relation to different commodities.
Not everyone in the S/M scene can afford to buy all this stuff. In
the same way that whiteness is normative, it’s in the center, there is
this normative professional-class person who has the money and leisure
time to devote to S/M practice, and that is the ideal for consumer
capitalism.
S/M is not alone in this. This is just a way that communities based
around sexualities work in the U.S. today. But S/M is also a really
great example of this, and you can see what that does to the community.
People have debates about toys: Are they destroying social connections,
did it used to be more authentic? And how now you can just buy your S/M
identity, and that creates a lot of anxiety for people.
More so even than gender dynamics, you found some complex and interesting racial issues within the scene.
The scene in San Francisco, at least the pansexual
scene, is almost entirely white, which was surprising to me given the
demographics of the Bay Area, and that was something that most of the
white people that I interviewed didn’t seem to notice. It wasn’t until
[the BDSM organization] Society of Janus did a panel presentation on
race in the scene that the people I was interviewing said, “Oh yeah, I
guess the scene really is white, that’s so strange.”
The people of color I talked to felt marginalized by the scene’s
normative whiteness. It wasn’t so much that white people doing S/M were
overtly racist or didn’t want to play with people of color, it was that
the scene itself had a normative, assumptive whiteness at its center, so
that people of color doing S/M experience themselves as marginal to
that community.
Most people that I talked to didn’t see S/M slavery play as having
anything to do with historical slavery in the United States — but none
of the people of color I talked to thought that this was the case. I
talked to an African-American woman in the scene who’s well-known for
doing race play and she said, “You know, I don’t think these white
people ever think about handcuffs and whipping and the slave auction as
connected to histories of slavery, but I can’t help but think about that
when I play.”
So, for me, it’s not that charity slave auctions are simply terrible,
politically suspect and clearly wrong, nor is it that they’re
transgressive and that they open up new radical possibilities.
Debates about S/M so often come down to their ultimate social
impact — whether it reinforces or transgresses sexism, racism and the
like. Is that question answerable?
You can’t before the fact decide on the politics of S/M. The way that
S/M is talked about in feminist theory, the way it’s debated by
practitioners, it’s in the stark pro or con, binary debate. You can’t
really make these political decisions on such a simplified basis. You
have to really ask, “For whom?” There are scenes in my book that really
do open up people, get them to think differently, provide a new vantage
point for thinking about inequality, but there are other scenes that
don’t. The very same scene has different effects on differently
positioned people. My book is a call to get away from abstracted
thinking about the relationship between sexuality and social power, and
to think more concretely, more socially.
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Jaeleen: Posted on Wednesday, January 18, 2012 9:32 AM
Big news ~
I've added two "traveling trainers" to Bondassage's amazing training team! Pele and Daria are available to travel through the United States and Canada to train you in Bondassage!
Pleasecontact them directly for more information ( I know Pele is in Hawaii through March).
Here's an interesting story I found about increasing your sexual energy. It's an easy Chi Kung exercise:
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/how-to-increase-your-sexual-energy--jerry-stocking/
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Posted on Monday, January 09, 2012 10:41 AM
Just trained an amazing new Bondassage practitioner this weekend ~ Genevieve Genteel ... she'll be offering sessions in SF soon!
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Posted on Wednesday, January 04, 2012 9:33 PM
Lots of great news ~
We're getting very, very close to releasing the new Bondassage website, and it's a beauty! It should be live next week :)
Tracy in Berlin will be offering Bondassage Practitioner Training starting this month, and I've just certified two additional "Traveling" Trainers ~ Pele (Hawaii/Utah/San Francisco/New York) and Daria (Texas/Chicago/New York). Contact them directly and have them come out and train you!
I'm still working on the book, and just starting production on a series of short (30 sec) videos for youtube.
It's going to be a fabulously kinky year, folks!
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Bondage Massage, Bondassage, Bound Massage, Kinky Massage, Kinky Sensual Massage, Sensory Deprivation Massage, Sensual Bondage, Sensual Bondage Massage, Sensual Domination, Sensation Play Tips, Bondassage For Lovers
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